Quitters never prosper. But I am. And I've spent most of the last year in a perpetual state of quitting.
Let me explain. Last summer I went to Ireland. Initially, I had some serious doubts about my motivations. I questioned if I was really going to serve the Lord or if I was going for the experience, for myself. You see, I've always loved that culture. The western European flare of propriety and dry wit that permeates the Celtic regions feels naturally attractive to me. And I was afraid that I just wanted to go so I could be part of that world, if only for a little while. I struggled deeply with trying to grasp my motivations for a long time. It wasn't until I was actually on the way, during a layover in Chicago, that I came to terms with the idea that my motives, whatever they may be, would not hinder the Lord. I was going, and in spite of doubt, I was willing to be used when I got there. That summer the most important lesson I learned is that when I'm willing, the Lord will use me. And He did. And I still got to experience a culture that I loved.
My doubts represented a quitting of faith... and still I prospered. As the summer wore on I experienced this in very real ways on a daily basis. At first I felt so at home among the people I worked with and it occured to me that maybe I had found something that I was called to do, somewhere I was called to be. As the weeks in Ireland came and went, I began to doubt even this. There were much more qualified people. There was no way I had made an impression... I'm too reserved, I don't speak up in large groups often, and I didn't feel like I'd made any sort of real spiritual impact on anyone. Again, the Lord prospered me, and I left Europe with a conviction that I had found belonging.
Once back into a routine stateside, it didn't take long for that to wear away and for the doubts to settle back in. I quit again. What if I had been wrong? What if I had misinterpreted the Lord's calling on my life? It wouldn't have been the first time. There are plenty of other things I'm good at and enjoy, how do I know that I'm not called to do one of those? ... As I looked back over my journal entries for the summer, I was reassured. I knew that things had worked out the way they did for a reason; too much of it could only be explained by the hand of God. I decided to get back into contact with the Celtic Langauges Team as soon as possible to see what they had in store for the following summer and beyond. If the will of God truly was for me to go back, then surely it would be an easy path with open doors all the way... right?
When I finally got a reply, it wasn't exactly what I was expecting to hear. Summer 2012 wasn't going to be like Summer 2011. There were going to be few assignments, and none of them really seemed to fit me. But... there was a chance, however small, that something could be put together specifically for myself and a partner. My heart leaped at the chance and I ran with it. But... as the weeks turned into months with no further communication... my faith faded quickly and I quit again. Then I got another e-mail.
All of the time between then and now went this way. A series of successive hurdles arose, caused me to despair, and were overcome out of the blue. And still I perpetually gave up. I look back now and see that there was always just enough time between responses for me to lose all sense of the certainity I had received from the previous one. I questioned whether every step forward was really a step back. But every time I quit, I was undeservingly brought another step nearer.
Eventually there came a point when I quit completely. A little over a month ago, the window of opportunity was fast approaching, and I hadn't heard anything definite. Clinging to what little hope I could muster, I sent an e-mail that was really less asking about the trip and more saying that it was okay if it didn't work out. That's when I finally gave up. Less than a week later everything changed.
In literally two and a half hours from the time I got the responding email, in which we sent some questions back and forth, called our moms, and talked to our BCM director, we went from being unsure if or where we were going, or how we'd pay for it, to knowing with certainty that we were going to Belfast and having the funds to pay for everything. I didn't know how I'd ever doubted. Until I doubted again.
And here I am in the present. I'll be in Belfast in two weeks. Looking back over the journey it took to get me here, it doesn't seem possible to doubt the direction I've been given. Yet, once again I look my motives square in the face and question myself. In the middle of all of this shifting uncertainity, one thing remains unchangeable. The Lord. I am certain that He will use me if I'm willing. And as long as my trust, faith, and hope are in Him, I'll prosper no matter how many times I quit.
- Sam R. Franklin
14 days to departure.
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained." - Phillipians 3:13-16
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